The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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