i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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