I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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