tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
