It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
