That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
