If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
