was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
