As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
