my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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