i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
