it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
