Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize