Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
