After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
