If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
