I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize