I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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