fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
