he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My bed smells like the plague
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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