I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
