If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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