Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I didn't notice because vodka
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize