I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Randomize
