I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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