Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
