I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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