so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
