I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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