I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
