i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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