Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Found the puke drawer
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
