One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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