He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
