i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
