How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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