You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
