so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
