I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
