I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
