So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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