Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
