how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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