seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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