i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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