You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize