my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
