I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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