how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize