Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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