i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize