haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
