you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
