I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize