I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize