i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
