planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
