Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
