Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
